He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize