my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
