new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
