I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
