Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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