I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
