apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
