While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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