Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
