Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
