How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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