Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
