He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
