i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize