I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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