so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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