i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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