i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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