put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
if only i could text you this smell
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize