i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
