How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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