Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
