I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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