I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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