Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I touched a dick in church today
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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