I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I will be naked everywhere
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
