Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Operation Purity has been aborted
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
