I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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