Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
