it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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