HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
