So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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