turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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