jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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