My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
