I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Is Oprah even human
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
