so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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