Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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