I'm pants shitting drunk right now
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
