My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hippo gnu deer
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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