mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
