I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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