Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
