No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
