I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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