dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize