she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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