I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
