The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
