Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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