I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Randomize
