I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We don't watch enough power rangers
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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