im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
