I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
