dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
That reminds me...we need to get swords
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
