I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
