im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
