How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize