I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
