I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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