My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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