my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
